


The Time Merlin Locked The King Out Of His Room

by ibelieve_whiteflag_aslansdefender



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Arthur sleeps in the hallway, Bromance, Canon banter, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Knights of the Roundtable, Merlin is cursed, Merlin struggles with self worth, No sex or smut sorry it’s not really my thing but absolutely no hate, Panic Attacks, Protective Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), Protective Merlin, Servant of two masters canon divergence, Stressed Everybody, Stressed Merlin, Worried Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), dying merlin, everyone is worried, idiot Merlin, they all care
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-06
Updated: 2020-03-15
Packaged: 2020-06-22 06:16:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,079
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19661524
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ibelieve_whiteflag_aslansdefender/pseuds/ibelieve_whiteflag_aslansdefender
Summary: "You know the little voice inside your head that says killing is wrong?"





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! Real quick: trigger warning, panic attacks. I tried to keep it mild and brief, but if this triggers you please read carefully and stay safe! Do t read if this might affect that- your health is important and you really do matter!

“You know the little voice inside your head that says killing is wrong?” He tried to say the words lightly but they stuck in his throat. He held his palm to the door, eyes flickering gold and magic bubbling within him as he used every protection ward he could think of.

“Merlin, I promise your not going to kill me-“ The door thudded heavily as he slammed into it. Again. Like the seven times before, it didn’t even tremble. Arthur’s blasphemous mutterings were muffled by the door.

“What did you do to my door?! Merlin!”

“Well, my little voice is sort of gone. Corrupted.Actually saying rather the opposite of what it’s supposed to be.” He couldn’t think of any more spells. Did he really know only sixteen?! 

His head pulsed with the lies. The beautiful twisted lies. Such a likeness to the woman who implanted them in his head. Sinister evil behind warm smiles and white dresses.

_ Kill him. It’s so easy. Just open the door. _

The words felt so right- a kind friend’s gentle encouragement. It was so easy. All he had to do was open the door...

“It’s my room!”

The exasperated shout snapped Merlin back to himself and he yanked his hand away from the doorknob, horror jolting through him as he realized what he’d nearly done. He staggered desperately away from the door, his hands trembling.

_ I almost killed him! Sparks and spades and holy heavens above- I almost killed him! _

Panic raced through his veins, seeping like poison into every fiber of his being. His heart thudded painfully against its cage as he fought to still the trembling that shook him from head to toe. He’d almost killed Arthur.

“Merlin- just open the door! Whatever she’s done, I promise we’ll fix it-” he continued- his voice suddenly soft and coaxing. Merlin wanted to believe him. Wanted to open the door work with Arthur and the Round Table to break the curse. He ached to. 

His blood chilled as he realized the ache wasn’t him.

_ Open the door... _

It was the curse.

“I’m not killing you!” Merlin shouted, his voice sounding annoyed normal. Almost. He stole a shaky breath and forced the terror writhing inside him into a tight ball. He didn’t have time to panic. Who knew how long he could resist the slippery pull in his head? He had to seal his prison  _ now, _ before it was too late.

“You won’t, I promise- I could take you apart in one blow-” Arthur tried again.

“I could take you apart in less than that!” Merlin bellowed as he spun away from the door. The room looked back at him, the fire from hearth giving everything an innocent glow that belied the severity of the situation.

The situation.

The: he was cursed to kill Arthur and he’s the prophesied Emerys who is the most powerful warlock in the world- literally magic itself and very capable of easily killing said Dollophead instead of fulfilling his destiny to protect him, situation.

_ “Oh spades and sparks and stars- I’m trying to kill Arthur!”  _ He gasped, unable to hear how breathless he sounded. He was too far gone.

He was dizzy, his mind spinning as it tried desperately to understand the full depth of the situation.

The walls were closing in as he desperately tried to drag air into his lungs- his whole world pivoting off it’s axis and whirling away into space. He was trying to kill Arthur. His closest friend- his King-  _ the prat he’d been trying to protect and willing to die for since he’d come to Camelot! _

He was trying to kill him!

His heartbeat roared in his ears as he collapsed- the ground rising up to catch him with a thump. He couldn’t breath. The walls were closing in and he was trying to kill Arthur and he couldn’t breath and was this what dying felt like? Oh Sparks he  _ couldn’t breath! _

He heard voices. Eons away. Unimportant. Loud. 

They bellowed above the screaming of his pulse and the racing of his blood and the thudding of his heart and the spinning in his head-their sheer volume commanding his attention.

“Merlin, I’m coming in!”

The voice was wild- panicked? A thud-like smashing sound.

“Ow…” the same voice said, sounding suddenly subdued.

“You idiot! He’s reinforced the door!” He knew that voice as well as his own.

Arthur.

But that didn’t make sense. Arthur was hitting the door and yelling at him. Wasn’t he? Or had he already killed him? Was he dead now? Was that why Merlin couldn’t breath? Was the air being stolen from him as punishment? Was this hell? 

“He’s scared to death in there -alone- he can’t even breath! What do you expect me to do!” The other voice- he knew that voice too. He yelled a lot. Insults in… taverns. When he drank too much and couldn’t afford to pay...Gwaine... But that was wrong- Arthur was dead, and Merlin had killed him and was suffocating in hell, why could he hear Gwaine?!

“I expect you to do something useful and help! He’s panicking because he’s cursed to kill me- and you’re trying to open the door he blocked so he couldn’t! Now go do something productive and tell Gaius what happened. Then gather the Round Table and start looking for the cure, we need to find it as soon as possible.”

Arthur wasn’t making sense. He was dead. And Merlin was suffocating in the afterlife for murderers- that’s why he couldn’t breath and the world was going black and-

“Merlin, Merlin- can you hear me?” Arthur- his voice softer than a couple moments-years?-ago. Merlin could barely hear it over the sound of his whole body being ripped apart in the fires of hell.

But he could hear it.

And it didn’t make sense Arthur was dead! He’d killed him. Hadn’t he?

But Arthur kept talking.

“Merlin, I want you to listen to my voice, okay? I want you to close your eyes and listen to my voice.” His voice was low and soothing. Almost like his Mother’s lullabies. A tiny spark of peace in the chaos writhing inside him. He trusted it- that tiny, pathetic spark in the dark. He closed his eyes.

“Merlin, you are alright. It’s me, Arthur. I’m right here. I’m alive.”

He was alive? Then why couldn’t Merlin breath?!

“I’m alive-you didn’t kill me and your not going too, I promise. You already got a head start on that, remember?” He did?

“You ran into my chambers and you blocked the door so I can’t get in-it’s like you forgot who’s King around here- but it’s okay, because we’ll figure out how to break the curse and I’ll throw you in the stocks.”

Everything would be okay.

But it wasn’t. He couldn’t breath!! Terror raced through his veins and his heart throbbed too fast and hard against his chest and  _ he tried! _ He heard the terrible gasps as he tried to drag air into his desperate lungs- but he couldn’t breath!

“ _ Ar’tur- _ “ He begged, a dying wheeze. “ _ Please… can’ breah-“ _

“Yes, you can.” Arthur said immediately. His voice firm-an anchor for Merlin to latch too. “Yes, you can, Merlin. I need you to keep listening to me, okay. Right now your not thinking clearly. Gaius told us about this, remember? Your scared and your breathing too much-“

“ _ Can’ breah!”  _

“I know, I know- I hear you, Merlin. But you have to trust me. Your getting too much air because your scared. Keep your eyes closed and stop focusing on your breathing-“

“I can’-!”

“Merlin, I promise this will help! Listen to me, focus on what I am saying- don’t focus on trying to breath, focus on my voice-“

Desperately, nothing else to try, Merlin listened.

“Your going to be okay, Merlin. I’m the King and I’m commanding it. Your going to be cured and then I’m going to make your life miserable. I’m going to take you on a big hunt to celebrate, and then you’ll catch up on all the chores you missed while you were lazing about in my bedroom. After that I’ll take you out on the training field and I’ll whack you until you learn to fight so we don’t ever have this whole: _ you get kidnapped and cursed to kill me _ mess happen again. And then I’ll hand you a quill and some ink, and I’ll have your write one thousand times:  _ I will not lock the King out of his chambers again _ on my door. Then you'll scrub it off, obviously. Destroying my door is a public offense so then you’ll go back to the stocks...”

Merlin could breath. Cold, sweet air filled his lungs, rushed through his blood, loosened the knot in his chest, filled his mind with clarity.

He could breath!

“Your a clot-pole…” Merlin mumbled slightly breathlessly and Arthur laughed, the sound heavy with relief.

“At least I’m not a girl jumping at her shadow! ‘ _ I can’t breath! I can’t breath!’ _ ”

“Maybe I should open the door. All of my problems would be solved.” Merlin said lightly, scanning his surroundings. He was on the floor. Probably the lack of air.

“For once your talking sense! Open the door and we’ll figure this whole mess out-“

Merlin shuddered and the curse pulsed within him, making the idea sound outrageously attractive.

He had to do something about that.

An idea suddenly dawned.

One his entire being repulsed at, one that sent his heart beating erratically and his magic revolting inside him.

One that would solve the problem.

One that would stop him from killing Arthur-

He had to do it.

“Can you imagine the possibilities? I’d get to sleep in every morning-“

Merlin heaved himself up his feet, surveying Arthur’s room again. Now he knew what to do, he only had to find them.

“You already do, you lazy sock! Open the door.”

“Wouldn’t have to go on anymore cruel hunts…”

Where were they? Or any place he cleaned often, he hadn’t seen them in months. But they were Uther’s last ‘gift’. They were here.

“Merlin! If you don't open my door-!”

“What would you do? You can’t get in!”

_ Now I just have to make sure I can’t get out. _

“It’s my room! You can’t just lock the King out of his bedchamber! Where am I going to sleep?!  _ And what about my wife?! _ ”

“Your welcome to my bed. Gwen’ll have to stay with Elyan. Tell her I’m sorry.”

Not in the closet. Not in the dresser- maybe the hidden compartment in the hearth? Merlin crosses over to the pleasant fireplace and dragged over Arthur’s chair.

“Merlin! You cannot split me and my wife! She’s the Queen, she can’t sleep in a blacksmith’s shop! And I refuse to sleep in my servant’s bed!”

“You could share, but my bed isn’t the size of your ego, I doubt you’ll both fit. And Gaius is right next door and I imagine his snoring isn’t the most romantic sound for any marriage pleasures-“

He stepped on the chair until he reached the slightly crooked stone that covered the compartment he thought Merlin knew nothing about. Idiot king.

“ _ Merlin-! If you don’t open my door this instant-“ _

“You won’t die? What part of ‘I’m trying to save your life isn’t sinking in?!’ You should be on your knees singing my praises, you ungrateful Clot-pole! ‘Oh thank you Merlin. I’d be dead without you, Merlin. I’m so glad you resisted my idiotic threats Merlin. Have some time off, Merlin-‘“

He pulled out the stone, grunting slightly as he took the full weight, the rough underside of the stone scraping his skin. He winced and, unable to carry it anymore, dropped it to the ground. It cracked- exploding with a loud thump into a cloud of dust.

“What was that?! What’re you doing to my room? Merlin!”

Dust stinging his eyes, coughing and fanning in front of his face, Merlin turned back to the compartment.

“Renovating- how fond are you of your dresser? The clothes are all too small for you anyway-“

“You leave my dresser alone-  _ what do you mean ‘too small’? _ I am fighting fit!”

The compartment was full of the random knick knacks that Arthur considered his most precious treasures. 

A scraps of the dresses Gwen wore for their first kiss and their wedding day.

The dagger Morgana gave him after he teased her into her first words after her father’s death.

The gauntlet from the first knight’s challenge he’d ever fought.

The old blue cloak Merlin had lent him all those years ago.

His mother’s wedding ring.

And- there they were!

“Merlin, you’re quiet. Is everything alright in there?” Arthur asked, his voice almost hesitant. No longer exasperated or irritated. Worried.

“Of course everything’s alright. You’re locked outside.”

It wasn’t. He was about to do the scariest thing in his life. He was terrified. His magic thrummed against what he was about to do, begging him not too, twisting inside him until he felt physically sick at the thought.

But he had too. 

For Arthur.

“Merlin, please. Your doing something stupid, I know it- I order you to stop! Your not a danger to me-“

_ But I am.  _ He grabbed them, pulled them out and held the terrible things in his hands.

“I promise I can take you in any fight. We’ll go to Gaius and we’ll find the cure-“

The cool metal chilled his blood and seared his heart. His magic twisted and writhed inside of him. He wanted to drop the terrible things and crush them beneath his worn boots. But he couldn’t. He needed them.

For Arthur.

“You can’t guarantee that, Arthur. And your life isn’t something I’m willing to risk.”

Every part of him screamed as he locked the cuffs around his wrists.

His magic froze. Unable to move. Trapped. Locked. Helpless.

Useless.

He turned back to the door that was now truly his prison. 

“I’m not doing anything stupid, Arthur. Just ensuring some extra security.”

~

“Arthur, how long has it been?”

“Three minutes since the last time you asked.” Arthur growled. The second he heard Arthur’s voice the constant itch wriggling at the back of his mind intensified suddenly burning through him. Kill him. Kill him. Kill him. 

_ I can’t.  _ Merlin thought with satisfaction. He decided to try distracting himself by rubbing his wrists around their iron cages. He’d thought he'd locked them loosely, but the skin was pinched and rubbing painfully against the metal. And cold. So cold. He sat under Arthur’s thick quilts with the fire roaring cheerfully across the room, but he still shivered.

But he was fine. It wasn’t so bad as he’d thought it would be.

His true problem was boredom, really.

“Merlin?” Arthur asked softly and the urge lurched inside of him. Merlin groaned. So much for distraction. 

“Will you shut up? Every time you talk I want to put you in the stocks and throw daggers instead of fruit.”

“Mer-lin, I’m the King. You don’t give the orders here. Besides- Guinevere!” Arthur’s voice immediately brightened and a shuffling sound drifted through the door.

“Hello Gwen!” Merlin called, grateful for the distraction. The only company for the last eight hours was the man whose every arrogant remark initiated Merlin’s desire to strangle him to death. He so desperate for anyone he didn’t want to kill, he would have been willing to talk to George.

When neither responded but with ragged gasps, he guessed what they were doing.

“Gross. Get your hands off my friend, you clotpole!” He heard Gwen’s breathless laugh and Arthur’s righteous growl.

“She’s my wife! I’ll do whatever I please-“

“Not locked out of our room you won’t-“ Gwen said.

“That’s not my fault-!” Arthur started loudly but Gwen began talking again and he immediately shut up.

“Hello Merlin. I’ve brought dinner- it’s roast lamb. Still warm actually.” She called cheerfully.

“Guinevere, we have servants for that-“ Arthur’s voice triggered the urge to leap within him- but the smell wafting through the door was enough to distract him from the pull. His mouth watered as he realized he wouldn’t be able to eat it. He heart twisted as he realized the implications.

“Well, I couldn’t just sit around doing nothing and you two haven’t eaten for hours- come on, Merlin, open up! It’s cooling quickly!” She called the last bit louder, rapping gently on the door.

“Thank you, Gwen, but I’m alright! I’m not very hungry.” He tried to convince himself it was true. He wasn’t hungry. He was going to be just fine.

There was only silence for a long moment.

Then Arthur scoffed.

“Your joking.”

Merlin’s heart sunk a little but he forced a grin to the empty room.

“No, I’m not, I’m fine-“

“Merlin, I brought food for both of you, there’s plenty. Your not putting anyone out-“ Gwen began reasonably.

Merlin shook his head fiercely. Not that they could see.

“No, really, I’m not hungry-“

“Merlin, you haven’t eaten in nearly two days, your half starved by now! You need to eat. I can go fetch some soup and bread, that’ll be easier on your stomach-“

Why were they making this so hard? It wasn’t possible! He’d been an idiot not to think of before but now it was too late.

“No, thank you but-“ he tried again but Arthur cut him off.

“It’s about the blasted door again, isn’t it?” His voice was a strange combination of incredulous and accusation.

“Arthur, I-“ Merlin tried but a  _ thump _ crashed through the air, shaking the door ever so slightly.

“Arthur-“ Gwen began soothingly, but Arthur overrode her- his bellow ringing through the air and piercing Merlin.

“No! No, absolutely not! This has gone far enough! You are not starving yourself to death over this stupid door! Get off your scrawny backside now and open the door this instant- _ do you hear me?!” _

“It’d be impossible not to, sire-“ Merlin tried, hoping the familiar quips would calm his King.

“No! You haven’t eaten in two days- you are not going to stay there and die while we take heaven knows how long trying to find the cure! Now stop being an idiot and open this door at once!”

“Arthur, calm down-“

“I can't.” Merlin sighed softly but Arthur heard it. There was silence for a moment.

“What do you mean you can’t? Don’t be stupid, of course you can!” The anger was bleeding out of his voice now. Leaving something raw and worried behind.

“Look, Merlin, your not going to kill me- I’ll go to the other side of the castle if it makes you feel better. I won’t tell you where, if you want. We can summon Percival to restrain you- and then we can send you back behind that stupid door again- please Merlin, open the door…” he was begging now. The urge crawled within him at Arthur’s voice, purred it’s agreement with his words.

_ Yes, open the door. Everything will be fine.  _

But beneath that, Merlin’s heart bled as he heard the fear in Arthur’s voice.

_ I didn’t want to hurt you- I’m so sorry.  _ He thought before he could stop himself. 

_ Yes! You idiot! You hurt him every second you hide behind that door. This is all your fault! Open the door and make it right. All you have to do is open the door- _

All he had to do was-  _ NO! _

His heart twisted and shivers that had nothing to do with the fridged cold racked his body as he realized what he’d been about to try. The urge had sounded so much like him- said the things he’d thought so many times. He’d thought it’s lies were his own thoughts!

Oh Sparks. He’d prepared for this. He was wearing the devils cuffs for heaven’s sakes! But he hasn’t realized how deep the curse was woven- how slyly it could take control of his whims and thoughts and worries. How persuasive and cunning it was.

_ “I can’t _ , Arthur-“ Merlin interrupted the King’s continued pleas, the words tasting bitter on his tongue, a harsh whisper. Arthur stopped abruptly, for perhaps the first time in his life, listening. 

“I’m not strong enough.”

_ I can’t take these cuffs off, Arthur. I can’t tell what’s me and what’s the curse and so I can’t trust myself. Your too important.  _ His heart ached to tell Arthur. Make him understand. But he couldn’t. Magic had taken everything from Arthur. It had killed his mother. It had killed his father. It had poisoned his sister’s heart. He couldn’t force Arthur to try and forget all that hurt and live his life knowing the same terrible magic lived in his castle.

Because he would. Merlin knew Arthur’s nobleness. He knew Arthur’s goodness. He knew Arthur would see all of the good he’d tried to do for Camelot. For him. He knew Arthur would praise him and wrap him in fine cloaks. Maybe knight him and thank him for his services.

But then Arthur would live the rest of his life trying not to see his mother’s eyes when Merlin’s flashed gold. Or hear his father’s voice shouting in his head how Arthur shamed him by letting Camelot fall to ruin by magic. Or feel Morgana’s sobs racking his body as he wondered forever  _ if he had only known, if he had only seen her fear, if he’d only realized the truth of magic sooner- _

He couldn’t do that to him.

He wasn’t worth that much pain.

“Merlin?” Arthur asked slowly, his soft concern pulling him back into time.

“What do you mean your not strong enough? I know you blocked the door, but you moved the stuff there. Surely you can move it back?”

Merlin suppressed a chuckle before saying, his tone somewhat lighter:

“Trust me, Arthur. I am not strong enough to get through what is blocking your door.”

“Oh Merlin…” Gwen sighed helplessly, worry twisting in her voice.

“Arthur, it’s been hours since he moved everything to the door- and he was probably running on adrenaline then. He hasn’t eaten in almost two days and heaven only knows what she did to him!” 

Merlin’s stomach twisted at the implication behind her words. She thought-  _ oh _ \- poor Gwen. She didn’t realize how completely underwhelming Morgana’s ‘torture’ had been compared to poisoning and sescret stingers and fireballs. It’d been nothing and here she was, having worried all day about it. Stupid idiot! Why hadn’t he told her?!

“Gwen, I’m fine. She didn’t do anything to me! I just woke up in a puddle of mud with a slightly-stronger-than-usual determination to kill your husband.”

She gave a breathy chuckle, the sound drowning in relief and the guilt for making her worry twisted even deeper.

“Alright… okay...then we’ll figure something else out. I can get the Knights together, we can bust the door in-“

“That would break the door-“ Merlin tried logically.

_ And you would see the cuffs. And know I have magic. And panic. And I’d be able to see you. And try to kill you. And kill you. _

“Your life is more important than a sparking door!” Arthur shouted- he gentle quiet suddenly exploding as he slammed his fist into the door.

Merlin jumped, startled by the sudden change. His heart warmed at the King’s words even as his mind dismissed them as Arthur’s nobility and the urge pounced on how terrible he was for convincing Arthur he was worth something and why didn’t he open the door…?

“Arthur-“ Merlin tried, shoving all the conflicting thoughts tearing through him away and focusing on the stained door causing so many of his problems.

“I can’t even see the door. I was an idiot and I shoved every single thing in this uselessly extravagant room up against it. I can’t get out and  _ you can’t get in. _ ”

“Merlin- it could be weeks until we break the curse!” Arthur exploded.

“How do intend to get out once we do?!” Gwen cried, sounding almost tearful.

Merlin winced as self hatred lanced through him. Great. He was making the sweetest person in the world cry. Useless Idiot.

“Gwen, please don’t cry- it’ll be okay, I swear-“

“Not if you die of starvation and dehydration before we find the cure!” Arthur bellowed and Gwen let out a whimper so sharp it stabbed Merlin’s heart.

He could practically see her through the door- her hand covering her mouth to muffle her sobs, chocolate eyes blurry with tears.

He didn’t deserve it!

“Don’t be daft, Arthur. I’m not going to die! You left your bathwater here yesterday, and people can last weeks on water, at least Gaius said they can-“

“You intend to survive however long it takes us to find the cure  _ on my bathwater?! Merlin-!” _

“Well it’s not exactly my idea of a picnic either! But once you find the cure-“

“What if we can’t?” Arthur asked suddenly and Merlin stopped, flabbergasted.

“What do you mean-!”

“I mean what if we  _ can’t?!” _

The vulnerability in Arthur’s voice was what made him understand the King was serious.

“Arthur. You can. You will. I trust you.” Merlin said softly, bewildered Arthur didn’t understand.

_ I don’t have a shadow of a doubt. Of course you can. You can do anything. Your Arthur. _

Time held still for a long, long moment, muting all sound.

Then the moment broke.

Arthur sighed.

“Sorry Love, but I’m not too hungry either. Why don’t you take it down to Gaius? The knights have invaded the Infirmary and I doubt they left much food.”

Great! Now he was making Arthur forgo food out of guilt! 

“Arthur, no, that’s not necessary, I don’t mind-“

“Goodbye love, I’ll see you later- and remember to send word as soon as you find something. I’ll keep looking here. And Merlin, don’t be stupid. I’m not doing it for you. I’m doing it so I don’t- how’d you put it last week? Turn into a ‘poor ugly hag three days from delivery’?” 

Merlin laughed despite the guilt twisting in his heart.

“Probably best sire, there’s only so much room for holes in your belt.”

Arthur barked a scoff and went back to his cure-searching.

Merlin stifled a sigh and went back to waiting, his fingers subconsciously scratching his wrists.

He wasn’t even aware when they started to bleed.

  
  



	2. The Time Arthur Did Not Panic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “If you don’t give me something I swear I’ll leave you in there to die.” Please Merlin, anything. Give me anything.
> 
> Arthur strained for his servant’s next sarcastic comeback or, heaven forbid, something helpful. But all he heard was silence. And when Merlin finally broke it his voice was subdued.
> 
> “Maybe you should. At least then you’d be safe.”

Arthur skimmed  probably the millionth useless paragraph of the day, his eyes burning as he squinted at the book he held inches from his nose .

_Magical cures, of course, depend entirely on the curse you're trying to cure._

He reached the end of the page, only to realize he hadn’t registered a single word he’d read. Cursing, he growled and started to read the first sentence. 

For the third time.

He sighed  heavily , his breath flickering the half dozen candles scattered  haphazardly around him .  For some inexplicable reason, their flickering irritated him further and he flung the book into his lap .  Dust exploded into the air and he blinked  rapidly as he ran his hands through his for-once-crownless hair .

“Pull yourself together, Pendragon!”  He growled  softly , heaving in a huge breath and closing his eyes as he blew it out  slowly , trying to push  all of his locked anger and stress out with it .

_Pull yourself together and get back to work! You are a Pendragon- you are the King and your servant needs you! You can’t afford to be tired or stupid- you need to pull yourself together and-_

_Thud!_

Arthur jumped, his head snapping to the door and his hand flying to his side before he registered what the sound was .

Merlin was dagger throwing again. Great.

“Ten points. That was your head.” Merlin said, and Arthur found himself straining to hear any signs of pain or sickness in his servant’s voice. His desperation to not find any was a thick, tangible slime twisting in his stomach.

_You have to be strong and move on, do you hear me, boy? Caring and crying won’t save a dead man. A king has to get back to work and do what he can for the rest of his people._

His Father’s words in the long-forgotten memory were every bit as terrible and heartless as they had been the day he’d found the frozen peasant outside the gates .

But he was right. 

If he sat down and gave up and cried then Merlin would die.

He had to get back to work and do what he could.

“Your aim is weak with your left arm.” Arthur drawled, sounding bored despite his recent near-panic. He huffed  slightly and grabbed a new book.

“You can’t  see  me throw!” Merlin complained.  Arthur heard the shuffling of boots on stone, presumably Merlin grabbing the cursed dagger to throw it again . Joy.

“Common sense, you idiot. I know the aim was weak because everything about you is weak.”  Merlin snorted in obvious disagreement and Arthur felt a strange impulse to roll his eyes like a young petty female . Of course, the idiot thought now was the time to argue about his pathetic manhood.  Honestly .  Arthur resisted a sigh and retrieved his book, thumbing through the pages so he could read the most recent again . For the fourth time. The words blurred before him and he blinked until they cleared. Storms, his eyes burned.  _At some point, you’ll have to sleep._ But he wouldn’t. He couldn’t. Not until Merlin was safe.

“Tell me again- what does the curse feel like? Do you realize  just how many curses feel ‘strong’ and ‘persuasive’?! Give me something useful!”

“What do you want me to say?!” Merlin said, his tone almost petulant.  Arthur  briefly wondered about the ramifications of dangling servants naked above a wilderen den . Didn’t he realize what was at stake?!

“It  is strong and persuasive, I want to kill you so much more than I usually do!”

_Days from death and he’s joking?!_ Arthur flung the book back into his lap.  Merlin’s poorly-timed-sarcasm made his blood boil and before he could stop himself he was bellowing .

“Merlin! I am  trying  to break the curse and save my life!  Optimally before said curse  _staves you to death,_ and it would be much easier if you would stop lounging about  _making jokes_ and help !”  Arthur clamped his mouth shut before he could make it worse and squeezed his eyes closed, taking in a deep breath and trying to will his heart to slow .  _Keep it together, Pendragon. It’s not his fault. He’s doing the best he can._

“I  am  helping! In case you haven’t noticed-  you aren’t dead- ” 

Thud! 

“If you don’t give me  _something_ I swear I’ll leave you in there to die.”  _Please Merlin, anything. Give me anything._

Arthur strained for his servant’s next sarcastic comeback or, heaven forbid, something  _helpful_ . But all he heard was silence. And when Merlin finally broke it his voice  was subdued .

“ Maybe you should. At least then you’d be safe.” 

Arthur’s heart lanced apart as the image seared into his brain.

_Merlin, cold and pale. Still. Staring up at the ceiling with empty eyes._ Arthur shoved his eyes open, trying to drive it from his brain. But all he could see was wood. The door that stopped Arthur from saving him. 

“Shut up, Merlin.”  _Don't you dare even think that._

“Now’s not the time to turn noble on me.”  _I’m not letting you die for me. I’m not letting you die._

He waited for some snappy quip and ignored the bitter disappointment when Merlin stayed quiet .

He didn’t  honestly believe that Arthur would be better with him dead...right?

_No. Of course not. He’s just worried we won’t save him in time. He’s trying to make it easier on us._

Storms the man was an idiot.

“Merlin. You’re not going to die. I’m going to get you out.” 

Somehow.

Merlin was silent for a long time.

Then another  _thud!_ crashed into the door.

“Fifty points. I got it in your 'Gwen's spot'.” 

Arthur cursed his servant to high heaven as a weight lifted off of his chest. 

Merlin was joking again. He was okay. They still had time.

Arthur retieved his book. Only half listening to Merlin’s disrespectful rant of his intimate life.

"-Pawing at my friend-" 

Arthur flipped the pages until he saw the top of the one he'd left off on.

For the fifth time.

They still had time.

~

Countless hours later, Arthur started seeing not only blurry words, but three hands, and moving doors . And he decided, as much as he loathed too, it was  probably time to head to his servant’s rock of a bed and get some sleep.

He’d stumbled about halfway to his feet when he heard something from beyond the door that made him stop.

A whimper. So quiet and low he could have imagined it. Had he imagined it?  His head was buzzing like it  was stuffed too full of cotton and the door swayed before him and he could have  just imagined it-

“Merlin?”

He leaned close to the door, straining,  just in case-

A ragged gasped drifted through the wood.

Arthur’s blood froze in his veins.

“Merlin? What’s wrong?” 

But Merlin didn’t respond. No more whimpers. No attempts of distraction with ‘what’s wrong with  _you_ ’. Nothing.

Panic twisted in his chest, marching to the dreadful beat of his racing heart, washing away all tiredness because Merlin  always responded with  _something_ _!_

Then his aching head remembered that Merlin had fallen asleep hours ago.

That realization should have made the panic ebb away but it tightened it’s fist around his heart because  Merlin was whimpering in his sleep . 

Which meant something was wrong. 

And he hadn’t shown any sign of it when he was awake. 

Which meant Merlin had been trying to keep it from him. 

Which meant it was  really wrong. _Merlin-hiding-serious-injury-wrong._

“Oh, you stupid idiot…” 

Merlin only moaned in response. 

Arthur growled and slid back down to the floor, slumping against the door.

“I should have known. You  just have to make everything complicated, don’t you?” 

He grabbed the half-read book that was tipping  precariously off of the tilting stack and opened it up.

“I swear- if you die in there because you didn’t tell me, I’m going to kill you. I’ll take you to the Valley of Fallen Kings because you love it so much and-” he kept talking. Some idiot part of him hoping that his words could somehow comfort his hurting servant.

Time was running out.

~

Merlin’s excuse for his whimpering in the night was as pathetic as his dagger-throwing skills.

‘Nightmares’, he’d tried to explain, but he was too quick to say it and too cheerful and Arthur knew he’d been right.

Not that it did any good. 

Because his servant was a mule-headed idiot with no sense of self-preservation.

“Merlin! Stop being a coy girl and  just tell me already!”

_Thud!_

“I  _have_ told you-” Merlin began  petulantly and Arthur wished for nothing more than to clobber him. Since that option was currently unavailable, he settled for shouting at him.

“Merlin!” He slammed the current book shut and chucked it at the door, relishing the startled squeak from the servant inside. 

“ If you don’t give me a satisfying report of everything you’ve been hiding from me in the next three seconds, I’ll-”

“Fine! Anything to get you to shut up! Here’s what I’ve been keeping from you, _but don’t blame me when it gets your_ _ Kingly _ _cloak in a twist!_ I haven’t been eating your sausages, Cook decided to stop giving them to you because she said you’ve put on some weight-”

Arthur was going to kill him.

“Merlin-” He growled  threateningly , but he  was cut off by another  _Thud_!

“-And I didn’t do anything because I can’t put more holes in your belt. I’m sorry, I  just can’t. There’s not enough belt!”  _Thud_!

“And the strange looks you’ve gotten in the tavern? Gwaine’s been telling everyone these rumors about a mole on your, well, I’m sure you can imagine where.  And I was going to tell him to stop, but they were actually very interesting rumors and they seemed to brighten the peoples’ day so I let him-”

“MERLIN-!” Arthur bellowed but Merlin cut him off, his words sharp and sudden as a whip. Shocking Arthur into silence.

“ _And every time you talk_ _it kills me!_ ”  Merlin’s voice was rough, pain bleeding into his words.

Arthur had been hunting for it all morning. Now his heart ached at the sound. 

“My blood boils and all I can see  is red and  I want to kill you so much it _hurts!_ I want to wrap my fingers around your neck and strangle you until the voices in my head  _finally_ _SHUT UP!_ ” A  _thud!_ accompanied the last words but it was wrong.

A terrible shattering sound echoed through the door, followed immediately by the ominous  thump of something heavier than a dagger . Arthur’s heart clenched in its cage as he shot to his feet.

“ Merlin! ” Arthur shouted, his hand on his hilt, pulling out his sword even as he realized it would be no use. 

He  was locked out.

“ _I’m sorry. I didn’t…_ ” Merlin’s voice was lost. Sad.

“That doesn't matter! Are you okay?!” A heavy pause. And when Merlin broke it, his voice was too-carefully cheerful.

“No need to be so concerned sire, I’m only dying a little, don’t trouble yourself!”

Arthur growled.

Merlin sounded wrong. 

“Answer me, you idiot! Are you hurt?!”

“On a  slightly similar note, how fond is Gwen of her vase?” Arthur’s desperate ears heard Merlin’s pained grunt from behind the door and he knew. 

Merlin  was hurt .

“It’s  been passed down from Mother to Daughter for generations- We don’t care about the sparking vase,  a _re you hurt?!_ ” The sarcasm bled out of him, mixing with the hysterical squeak he couldn’t contain. Merlin  was hurt . He  was hurt and there was no way to get to him. He  was cursed and starving and hurt and Arthur couldn’t save him.

“I’m fine- I only fell and knocked over Gwen’s vase. Actually, I’m  just perfect! I’m cursed to kill you, Arthur. It’s the happiest day of my life- there are so many ways!  I could poison you or strangle you or slip the knights a real sword in the Dull Duels or summon a dragon- no wait, forget that one . The dragons are all dead. _Definitely dead._ And how would I summon one anyway?  Dumb plan…” Merlin’s voice had changed, grown softer and somewhat slurred, sending the panic twisting in Arthur’s plummeting heart .

“Dumb plan… dumb King.... hey, look Arthur… I’m a dumb King too… I’m wearing the red!” 

_Red_? Arthur’s panic stalled for a moment. Clouded by confusion. 

Something about that sentence didn’t settle right in his stomach. 

_Red… red…_

He sent his mind back to when they’d first found the idiot. What had he been wearing? His purple shirt... his only trousers...and... The blue neckerchief. 

No red.

Worry wormed in his gut. How malnourished was his servant?

“- you know I get to kill you, Arthur?  Just open the door and you can  be red like me!” Merlin wanted him to open the door?! Why- 

“ Red _he said_ …  red and _dead_ …”

A horrible understanding dawned and a cold dread washed over him, turning his stomach against him . 

Red and dead.

Red like blood. 

Merlin was bleeding.

Merlin was bleeding!  And based on his moans and singsong gibberish, he was bleeding a lot.

And Arthur couldn’t save him.

Arthur’s veins throbbed as his pulse quickened and it was only hard engraved instinct that forced him to steal a deep breath . His Teacher’s words echoed through his head, so much kinder than his Father’s, but so much more terrible.  _Your Highness- look at me. You’ll need to be calm-your lives will depend on you being calm. Everything may be going wrong, people may be hurt, they may be dying- they may be dead, Arthur. And fear and pain and panic may be tearing through you- but you will have to shove all of that away. I know- I know _ _it’s not fair. But whoever’s left will need you to stay calm and soldier through. Assess the situation_.

_What do you have? What do you know? What needs to be done?_

Alright- alright- what did he have?

_A sword_. His hand reached for the pummel as though it might have disappeared, but it was right there and the coldness of the hilt grounded him somewhat. His heart beat began to beat a little less erratically.

_I have a sword. Books. Candles. Guards. Knights. A palace of people to meet my whims._

What do you know?

“Merlin’s cursed to kill me. He can’t control it so he barricaded himself inside. He’s too weak to move the barricade so he’s trapped. He  was kidnapped . He said he wasn’t tortured. But he’s Merlin so he  probably was. He fell and he crashed into a vase and now he’s hurt. He's losing so much blood he’s growing delirious. He’ll bleed out if we can’t save him. But we can’t get to him. He’s hurt and it’s my fault. And now I can’t get to him and I can’t help him  _oh Heavens_ _this is all my-_ ”

_No!_ No, he couldn’t spiral! He had to be strong. He had to hold it together! 

Merlin needed him.

“Arthur… I _…_ _whoa…_ you might wanna…  catch me… ” Arthur’s heart lept to his throat as a muffled thump echoed from beyond the door.

“ _Merlin!?_ ” He slammed against the door like  maybe this time he’d be strong enough.

Silence. The door stayed as firm as ever. Merlin was going to die. His life slipped away with every drop he bled and soon he’d be dead.

“Merlin- stop being a girl and answer me!” 

_Please be alive. Please don’t be dead. I need you._ He strained against the wood, unable to stop the mantra marching across his brain.

Then:

“... _Clotpole_ …” \- Arthur’s heart slammed back into beating -had it stopped?- as dizzying relief rushed through him.

“I know you are. Listen, don’t move-”  _What am I saying? Where would you go?_

“ Just stay! I’ll get the others- we’re going to save you, Merlin. I promise.”

Merlin gave a nonsensical mumble that was anything but reassuring. But at least it was something.

Stealing a breath that did nothing to soothe the panic thrumming through him, Arthur turned and raced for the Infirmary .

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry, first for the long wait, and second for the sub-level quality of this. I have litterally seven google docs full of attempts at this, but none of them felt good enough. But I'm trying to learn to accept my imperfections and still be proud of a work even if it's not my best, so I'm posting this. To anyone who read the first chap and then waited so long, I thank you so much. I'm going to continue,and anything worthwhile in this chap is because of your sweet dedication. I love you all my darlings, and I hope you have a beautiful night!

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys, I hope you liked it! I’m self beted on this one, so if you have any suggestions or things you liked, I’d love to hear them so I can improve! Have a beautiful day/night everybody!


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